


Saint Malik

by the_painless_moustache



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crack, Eating Disorders, Fan candles, Harry's not straight, Niall's scared of planes, POV Zayn, Zayn Leaves One Direction, but it's dream bullying so, fandles if you will, mentions of LouisxEleanor, mentions of bullying, somehow I wrote crack angst I don't understand it either
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 21:01:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10975257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_painless_moustache/pseuds/the_painless_moustache
Summary: Some fan throws a candle with Zayn's face on it onto stage, and because Zayn can't ever catch a break it becomes a thing within the band.





	Saint Malik

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alexenglish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexenglish/gifts), [tmeachhh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmeachhh/gifts).



> Hey hey! Long time no post. This was supposed to be a fluffy crack fic about [this candle](https://fandlecandles.com/products/zayn-malik-prayer-candle) but that's...not what happened.

 It's in the pile of stuff swept off stage at the end of the night, something thrown up without care for their safety. Niall gets a kick out of picking through the remains of the night, toeing past underwear and bras and collecting the live flowers for a bouquet he'll leave in his hotel room for the maids. Harry usually joins him, getting much more hands-on than Niall does and tossing anything lacy into Liam's face with a cackle. Zayn is getting his mic pack untangled from his waist and Louis is flopped onto a speaker thumbing through his phone when Niall starts laughing. Zayn twists to try and get a good look, but all he can see from this angle is Niall doubled over and wheezing. "What? What is it?"

" _Oh my god_ ," Harry gasps, and then he's in a full fit of laughter, too. "Oh my god, this is _beautiful_."

Zayn rolls his eyes and the stage hand struggling with the knot he'd somehow managed to create with his wires gives a vaguely sympathetic smile. "Just remember to wash whatever you're keeping, Haz."

"Is that..." Liam starts before busting out in giggles of his own. "It's _Zayn_."

Ah, so it's some piece of fanart then. He wonders how lewd and disproportionate this one has to be to cause this sort of reaction. Harry usually isn't one to tease about it. He actually keeps a folder of his favorite pieces.

Louis hops off his speaker. "And it didn't break?"

"Nope!" Niall chirps. "Not even a scratch! It's a miracle!"

"It's _blessed_ ," Harry says sagely.

The stage hand finally gets Zayn freed and Zayn gives him a nod of thanks before turning to see what's got them all in a fit. They're all circled around, so Zayn has to shoulder himself between Liam and Louis to see. He can feel his cheeks go hot when he gets a look at it. "Oh my god."

Harry turns it over in his hands with a gleeful smile. "I think it's for you."

It's him, or rather his face, pasted on a prayer candle. Underneath are the words _Saint Malik_ printed in a gothic font. He's not Christian, but he's pretty sure the very existence of this candle is a sin. "Throw that away." he snaps.

"No way." Niall laughs. "This is going on my bunk."

" _Your_ bunk?" Harry pouts. "What if I wanted it on my bunk?"

"It should go on the table," Louis says with a gleeful smirk. "A communal blessing candle."

" _No_." Zayn snaps, but they all ignore him.

"We can light it before our shows for the rest of the tour." Liam suggests, and Zayn sees Niall and Harry light up.

"Absolutely not!" Zayn shouts just as both Niall and Harry squeal " _Yes!_ "

Louis claps him on the shoulder. "Give it up, Zayn, or we'll replace you with the candle."

He still makes one more attempt to get rid of it. "Harry, aren't you Christian? Isn't this, like, blasphemous?"

Harry does not look impressed with this. "If my god is cool with my lack of heterosexuality, he'll be fine with a candle, Zayn."

Niall and Liam both snort and elbow into Harry's side, reaching to turn the candle in his hands. Louis wraps his whole arm around Zayn, grinning. "C'mon, is it really that bad?"

"Who would make something like that? _Why?_ And why throw it on stage?" Zayn mutters.

"Because they knew at least some of us would love it. That's the problem with being yourself, people start puzzling out things you don't really need them to know."

Zayn's not so sure what that has to do with the candle exactly, but it's not like it isn't good wisdom to hold onto. He crosses his arms with a sigh, and that's how Saint Malik comes to be the patron saint of One Direction.

***

Lighting it before every show is one thing, Harry waking him up begging for him to blow it out is another. Zayn almost beans him in the head with a pillow, but luckily he's got enough common sense to _not_ knock the fire Harry's holding out of his hand. "Just go back to sleep!" he hisses as he rolls over.

"Zayn, _please!_ I need good luck if I'm going out today. Don't you want me to come back in one piece?"

"I'm not sure." Zayn grumbles into his bed. They've got one miraculous day of break in Madrid, and he's had every intention of spending it in bed since Stockholm. He's even got room service scheduled throughout the day so he doesn't have to go anywhere or call anyone to eat.

"Zayn..."

"Why do _I_ have to blow it out?" Zayn whines, but he rolls back over because Harry will stay knelt next to his bed for as long as it takes to break him.

"It's your candle." Harry says, like that makes sense.

"Why does it have to be blown out at all? Doesn't lighting it bring you luck or whatever?"

Harry rolls his eyes. "Blowing the candle out banishes negativity. It's symbolic. Just _do it_."

Zayn blows the candle out and crashes back into bed. Harry smack a kiss on his forehead and leaves it on his nightstand as he gets up. "Thanks, Zayn. See you later!"

"What do you need luck for, anyway?" Zayn mutters. "It's not like you're going out alone. You'll have someone with you."

"I'm hoping to score a few numbers." Harry says with a cheeky grin. Then he raises both hands to the ceiling and shouts " _Praise be to Saint Malik,_ may he get someone in my pants!"

This time Zayn does throw the pillow at him.

***

"Zayn!"

He's dozing off in the airport, one earbud in and the other dangling off his neck for moments like these where someone needs to get his attention. It's Niall calling for him, running across the terminal like a newborn colt. Zayn's only curious at first, but then he sees Niall's got the candle in his fist and then he's embarrassed as well. "Christ, Niall, didn't Harry pack that away?"

"He left it in his carryon." Niall says with a shrug as he flops down next to him. "Give me your light."

"You can't light a candle in an airport."

"Who says?"

Zayn's not really sure if it's a rule or not, but it's not like anyone is going to stop _them_. So he digs out his lighter from his own carryon and passes it over with a sigh. Niall lights it, closes his eyes tight and seems to be making a wish over it before thrusting it to Zayn. "So what's this for then?" Zayn asks.

Niall blushes a little. "Just...a safe flight, is all."

Zayn doesn't even hesitate in blowing it out this time. Niall's been afraid of planes since before this all began. It's the only thing in this entire experience he hates, though he does his best to keep quiet about it because there's really nothing they can do. But if Zayn blowing out this stupid arts-and-crafts project is going to bring Niall even a modicum of comfort, Zayn would do it a hundred times over. "There, now it's guaranteed." he says, and Niall gives him a grateful smile as he hands back his lighter.

"Thanks. I know you thinks it's shite, and it probably is." Niall shrugs and turns the candle between his hands. "Just...you know."

"If you tell Harry I said this, I'll kill you. But I'm pretty sure the power of Saint Malik comes from believing. So don't doubt the candle, alright?"

Niall's face lights up, and even though Zayn knows that _somehow_ Harry is going to find out that Zayn said the candle had powers that manifested through belief, it's worth it in that second to see Niall doing anything but sweating before their flight.

"Oo, are we all making wishes?" Louis asks, hopping over the back of the couch he and Niall are on to sit on his other side. "Here, lemme make one."

"Sorry," Zayn cuts in. "One candle wish a day, and Niall's got it."

"C'mon," Louis whines. "Surely your magic candle can handle more than one wish at a time."

"One wish a day, Lou, or I'm not doing it at all."

Louis groans and throws his head back dramatically, as Louis is wont to do. Niall keeps the candle with him in his carryon.

***

"Oh, Saint Malik, the wise, the kind, the brave—"

"The annoying." Louis cackles, and Zayn elbows him which makes Louis push him back. They both stop when Niall glares at them.

" _Oh_ , Saint Malik," Harry continues pointedly, holding the candle up into the sky. A car horn goes off in the distance and there's a band playing somewhere nearby. They're on the roof of Louis and Harry's flat, only forty hours before they leave for their next tour, and Harry had insisted they do some sort of sacrifice to the Saint Malik candle beforehand. "Give to us your wisdom, so we may make the best decisions. Give to us your kindness, so that we don't murder each other." He glances back at Zayn and Louis for that one. "Give to us your bravery, so that we may remain strong until we return home."

"Harry, can we hurry it up?" Liam asks, hugging himself. He'd been the only one dumb enough not to bring a coat, citing that he believed this wouldn't take more than five minutes. Zayn sometimes seriously wonders how Liam can still underestimate Harry's dramatics.

Harry heaves a long suffering sigh and says "Toss your sacrifices off the roof, then."

"Wait," Niall squeaks. "What if it hits somebody? Shouldn't we, I dunno...bury it or something?"

Louis rolls his eyes. "We're on the roof, Niall, not in the garden."

"I mean, it's a candle. We could set it on fire." Liam suggests.

"My sacrifice isn't flammable." Harry says. "We'll just shout for people to watch out. C'mon, let's see them."

Harry's instructions had been to bring something meaningful for the ritual tonight. He hadn't mentioned disposing of them permanently, but then he was Harry so he didn't really have to. Zayn had gone back and forth for awhile on how much he was willing to give to indulge their stupid candle obsession before picking his out, but it seems the other boys have taken this quite seriously. Niall pulls out a bracelet he'd worn everyday for the last tour, rubbing the leather between his fingers with a nostalgic frown. Louis takes out a ticket stub that Zayn is assuming is from some significant date with Eleanor. Liam has a hospital bracelet, presumably from when he was a kid, and Harry digs a ring out of his pocket that Zayn hasn't ever seen before but must be special because Harry takes this the most seriously out of any of them.

Zayn pulls the pin out of his coat pocket sheepishly. His dad had bought it for him at a United game a few years back. It's not his first game _or_ his first button, but it's one of a few he has and he figured it would do.

"Oh, c'mon," Louis complains, gesturing to Niall, Harry, and Zayn. "You three picked fucking knickknacks? Liam and I here have _irreplaceable items_."

"I've actually got a few more of these," Liam admits, shrugging when Louis glares at him.

Harry sticks his nose up. "For your information, Paige gave me this ring."

"And this is my lucky tour bracelet!" Niall says, waving it around like that helps his cause.

"Besides, you've got like twenty more ticket stubs in that stupid box under your bed." Harry points out, and Louis's cheeks go visibly red even in the dark.

"Let's just fucking do it, then." he grouses, and Harry nods, turning back around to the edge of the roof.

"Saint Malik, we offer to you these tokens of our devotion." he drawls, and then promptly lifts the fist with the ring in it over the edge and drops it.

"Harry!" Niall yelps. "You were supposed to yell first!"

Harry peers over the edge and shrugs. "Seems fine, not a lot of people wandering."

"Christ, Harold." Louis chuckles, but he steps up next and smacks a kiss to the ticket stub before letting it flutter out of his fingers. Liam goes next, the hospital band doing circles on its way down, and Niall calls out "Four!" and chucks his. Zayn's last, checking to make sure the pin is closed before he drops it. It whistles a bit on the way down, and even from way up here he can hear the small _ping_ of it hitting the concrete.

Suddenly there's a candle thrust into his face. "Go on, then." Harry urges, and Zayn rolls his eyes and blows it out.

"In Saint Malik's name, Amen!" Harry crows just before Louis thumps him on the back of the head.

"You're bloody ridiculous." he says fondly, and Harry glares at him as they walk back towards the door.

"I should've just dropped it like you all," Niall's mumbling to Liam. "Could've still been there when I left!"

Liam swings an arm over his shoulder and guides him forward. "C'mon, mate, you know Harry never would've let you keep it."

"Yeah, still."

Liam catches Zayn's eye and blinks. "Oh, right. What was yours then, Zayn?"

"Just a United pin." he says with a shrug.

"Yeah, but it was special, right?" Liam checks.

"Just part of a collection I have. My dad bought me a pin each time we went to a game."

"That's special enough, I think." Niall says.

"You get a bit of a pass anyway," Liam teases. "What with it being your face on the candle and all."

Zayn rolls his eyes but he can't stop his smile as he falls into step next to them to go back inside.

***

Zayn's woken up to his bunk dipping in the middle of the night, which is odd because people don't usually climb in with him if they want cuddles; Niall's on the bottom bunk and much better for it. He blinks open his eyes and watches Liam crawl in next to him and tug the curtain shut. It's only then that Zayn hears him sniffle and that wakes Zayn up totally. "What is it?"

"Just—I—do you have a light?"

Zayn blinks and then takes note of the candle in his hands. He nods and rolls over to grab a lighter, which Liam takes with shaky fingers. Once the bunk is lit up by the flame it's easy to tell Liam's been crying. Zayn says nothing while he lights the candle and they let it sit for a moment because Zayn knows Liam will tell him when he's ready.

"It was just a dumb dream," Liam tells him at last, still wiping tears from his eyes. "I know it was, it was—it's just a _stupid_ dream."

"What was it?" Zayn asks.

"You all...you all hated me. I said something and Louis pushed me and Niall spit at me and Harry called me names and you—you didn't even _look_. I kept asking for help and nobody even cared, and I know—it's a dream, it was just a dream and you all would never..."

Zayn reaches over to take the candle from his hands and blow it out. "You're right," he says, smoke snaking between them. "We wouldn't. And you can be sure of it."

Liam heaves a shuddering breath and then collapses against Zayn's shoulder. "M'sorry, I know it's stupid. I know it is."

"More or less stupid than Harry wishing for Dominos?" Zayn wonders, and that coaxes a laugh out of him.

"Yeah, maybe a little less than that."

Zayn tucks an arm around him. "We're not going anywhere, Payno. Not if Saint Malik's got anything to say about it."

***

Louis makes his fair amount of wishes on the candle. Zayn's pretty sure there's some sort of schedule worked out, with weekend and holiday custody. He's pretty sure the schedule starts with Harry, then probably Niall, then Louis, and followed by Liam. Zayn very humbly gave up his turn with the candle at the beginning of the whole ordeal, but he's definitely never felt lacking. Harry and Niall have each given up a turn of their own to offer a wish to Zayn, which he'd only taken because seeing their faces cave when he'd told them no would've been way harder than just blowing out the stupid thing.

So Louis definitely takes part in the whole wishing business, but he's always done it a little differently. Out of all of the boys—Zayn included—Louis seems the most disbelieving of it. Harry almost foolishly believes in the power of the candle, to a point where Zayn wonders sometimes if he's being serious or not. Niall believes in it, but he does so in the way that Niall does everything: quietly. He believes in it like a good luck charm. Liam believes somewhere in between them, rolling his eyes at Harry's dramatics but taking his turn with the candle with a sense of somber responsibility.

Louis, though, treats the candle like the souvenir it is. He'll throw it around and usually wishes for things like Kate Upton's underwear or a dragon. He's never taken it seriously, not from the very beginning, and Zayn has admittedly taken a bit of comfort in it. He's still a little superstitious, so he's not quite as careless with it as Louis, but it's nice for Zayn to have someone who wholly disbelieves it to sort of validate his own doubts.

Which is why when Louis shows up at his flat after a week-long silence with the candle thrust out towards him Zayn takes it as seriously as he would take anything any of the other's asked for. He let's Louis in without saying anything, finds a lighter in his coat pocket and lights the candle for Louis, who stares at it for a long, heavy moment before muttering "I need it to stop hurting."

Zayn pauses at this. "Need what to stop hurting?"

Louis's mouth twists and he thumps a hand hard against his own chest without answering. Zayn's stomach feels hollow with the action, because his face is almost skeletal in the light from the candle and Zayn's hallway. Louis hits himself again when Zayn doesn't say anything, and a sob bursts out of his chest with it. The candle wobbles in his grip, so Zayn dives for it to set it aside because the last thing he needs is to start a fire.

"She fucking—she—" Louis is gasping, fists clutched at his lungs. Zayn throws himself around Louis for lack of anything better to offer, and Louis collapses into him. Zayn doesn't have to ask anymore, he can piece together what's happened. Louis and Eleanor had been fighting a bit more than usual the last few months. They'd never been the most peaceful of couples, but their fighting had never been like this.

"I want it to fucking _stop_." Louis shrieks into his neck, and Zayn tightens his grip on him. Zayn himself is shaking now, because Louis...Louis does _everything_ for them. He's the oldest, not just in the group but in his own home and he's never been anything but the older brother. He's never allowed himself to be anything but solid, and Zayn's tried to be there for him before but this feels like an entire building coming down on top of him. He has no idea what to do but stand there and try to hold it up for as long as he can.

Louis shoves him back and grabs the candle. "Fix it. Just—just _fix it_ , dammit, if the fucking thing works for Harry's stupid wishes and—and Niall's, and Liam's—it _has to work_ , Zayn, I can't—I can't do anything else, I won't be able to do it!"

"Louis," Zayn says carefully, taking his hand in both of his. "Louis, what do you want?"

Louis opens his mouth and then snaps it shut again, turning his face away from Zayn as another sob shakes through him. Zayn squeezes his hands and Louis shakes his head. "I want to stop feeling like this, Zayn. I just want to know I'm going to be okay."

Zayn takes one hand to grip the back of Louis's neck and turn his face up to his. "Hey," he says with a sure nod. "You will be."

"You don't know that."

Zayn brings the candle up between them and nods again. "I do," he promises, and then he blows it out.

***

The novelty of the candle tapers off gradually. Even Harry starts forgetting about his turns with it, and after their last tour it just sort of gets forgotten. Zayn stops hanging out with them outside of working together, starts drawing back from group texts and dinners and anything else all together.

The decision to leave is both the easiest and hardest one he's ever made.

It comes after a night of staying locked in his bathroom, phone somewhere on the other side of his flat with emails he can't bear to look at because they make his lungs hurt. He's wiping vomit off his mouth, tears stinging his eyes because he knows this isn't okay. This isn't what it's meant to be.

He writes it in a letter, if you could even call it that. He'd tried to write something to each of them, something that could convey what exactly was happening in his head, but he couldn't find the words. For the first time in a very, _very_ long time, Zayn was out of words. So he'd written _I have to leave the band_ on a piece of folded up notebook paper and took it to their next writing session.

He'd made sure that they were the only ones in the room, everyone else cautiously backing out because they only made them leave when there was going to be a fight. Zayn was really hoping there wouldn't be, but it was just as likely that Louis would sock him in the face.

Louis doesn't sock him in the face. He reads the note silently over and over until Harry's pushing at his shoulder to read it and Niall and Liam are sharing looks because Louis has gone visibly red across the table. Zayn just sits with his hands laced together in his lap and waits.

"You're leaving?" Harry blurts once he's gotten his hands on the note, blinking up at him with those big green eyes. Niall and Liam both scramble across the table as he says this, confusion and disbelief making them clumsy.

"I—I have to." he mutters. "I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I'm...I'm really sorry."

"Zayn," Harry mumbles, but it's all he can seem to get out.

"But we're here for you." Liam urges. "We've always been here. We can help you. We can all figure it out, it's—it's what we _do_."

"He's made up his mind." Louis snaps from his end of the table. His knuckles are white and he won't look at Zayn but at least there's no shouting.

"Why didn't you come to us?" Niall asks, somewhere between understanding and hurt.

The question is what gets him. The idea that it's Zayn's fault for not bringing this up, that if he'd only mentioned it sooner. That somehow the fact that they never noticed him getting sick wasn't relevant at all. Instead of saying it though, he just says "I wanted you all to know first."

"So now what?" Louis asks. "Is that it? We're old news now? You've decided to quit us and we've got to pick up the pieces?"

Zayn's lip wobbles but he doesn't think anyone sees. "You know I wouldn't do that."

Louis's temper breaks and he slams his fist into the table. "That's what you've fucking done, Zayn! You've gone and made this decision without any of us!" Harry meekly says Louis's name but Louis just stands and starts pointing at Zayn "You've been planning this a long fucking time, Zayn. Pulling away, putting distance between us and you. This isn't a fucking courtesy, it's an _ambush_."

"Louis," Liam snaps, and that gets everyone's attention because Liam is not one to anger easily. Zayn feels untold relief that his anger isn't directed at him, but rather at Louis. "You know Zayn wouldn't do that. If he needs to leave, he needs to leave. Don't be a twat."

Louis sneers. "You're on his side?"

"There aren't sides, Louis!" Liam shouts. "We're still family! Zayn needing to leave the band doesn't change that!"

"It changes everything," Louis argues firmly.

Zayn feels himself being gutted right there in front of all of them. Louis has basically just ousted him, completely cut ties with him. There are a million words going around and around in his head but he can't find the right ones to explain himself, to explain how sick he's gotten and how worn he's become.

He doesn't want to be this person anymore.

"I just wanted to tell you first," Zayn mumbles. "I wanted it to come from me, so...so maybe you would understand."

"What are we understanding?" Niall asks, but it's not mean. He's looking at Zayn desperately, trying to find the piece he's missing. "Zayn, let us help."

"I haven't eaten anything in two days." Zayn tells them honestly. What he doesn't tell them is that the day before that the one thing he had managed to eat had only come right back up, and the day before that all he could keep down were saltines. "I haven't slept more than three hours a night in the last two weeks. I can constantly hear my phone going off even if it isn't and I—I can't _stand it_ anymore."

The room is silent, studying him, and Zayn probably hates that more than anything else they've done thus far. The fact that they're all trying to read him, trying to find out things about him that he doesn't even understand himself.

He stands up, wobbles a bit but manages to catch himself on the table. "I'm sorry." he says again. "But I can't do this anymore."

He leaves the door open on his way out.

***

It takes less than a week to get things sorted with his press release, and most of that is taken care of by his new personal assistant while he focuses on keeping his family away while assuring them he just needs some time.

At some point during the week he gets his personal assistant to find a place in LA. It's about as far as he can get from here and there's some excellent rehab centers in California and it's still public enough that it doesn't quite feel like running away, even if it does a little bit. He spends a few days with his family, letting his mum and dad hug him and coddle him. He manages to keep one small meal a day down, but it's not always easy and his mum cries watching him struggle to do it. That's what solidifies it, in the end. He can't take the time to heal if he has his family watching him do it.

It's only a few months before the move gets settled. He flies back and forth twice, once to really see the place and sign the papers and then again to finish packing his personal belongings in London. It's on this return back that Niall meets him at the gate, a security guard he doesn't know standing nearby and a blessed lack of fans swarming them when he collapses into him for a hug.

"What're you doing here?" Zayn mumbles into his shoulder, and Niall squeezes him tighter.

"Think you'd get out of here without seeing us at all?" he teases, but there's a sad twist to his smile when Zayn steps back. "We figured I'd be the easiest one to see. If you couldn't take me, then you definitely couldn't take Harry or Lou."

"They're here?"

"Your place," Niall says, shoving his hands in his pockets. "We wanted to see you before you left. I know we haven't been...the best with this. It's just hard, you know? But what you're doing is hard, too, and we want you to know that we get it."

Zayn feels his throat burn with tears as he nods. "Thanks."

Niall nods back and then grins. "Let's go before Harry gets all of your boxes unpacked again."

The security guard drives them to Zayn's flat. He doesn't even ask how he knows the address, because it doesn't really matter. It's only his for a few more days anyway. He drives off once they've gotten into the building, presumably to do endless loops around the block.

Niall loops an arm around his waist when they're safely closed in the elevator. He hadn't even realized he'd been shaking until then, but Niall's small show of comfort is enough to have him mostly still. His fingers still twitch a little around the handle of his suitcase, but it is what it is.

Harry's pacing when the elevator opens to his flat, muttering something to Liam and Louis, who are camped out on a window sill and the bar respectively. They all turn heads when they hear the doors whiz open, and Harry immediately makes to jump onto Zayn but draws himself up short, arms open awkwardly. "Hi," he mumbles.

"You can still hug me, Haz," he chuckles, and that sends him straight into Zayn's arms. Liam's close behind, curling around both of them, and Zayn can sort of feel Niall press up around them, too. It's another few seconds before the hug gets tighter and a hand gets clamped onto his shoulder, and Zayn peaks open his eyes to see Louis as squished in as he can managed, eyes squeezed shut and face half hidden in Niall's shoulder.

It's enough to make him want to cry, so he starts shaking them loose. "Alright, _alright_ ," he laughs weakly. "If you're gonna invade my apartment, you'll all have to help me pack."

"Like shit." Louis snorts, but it's fond.

"Before we do that," Harry says, spinning around until he finds the gift bag Zayn hadn't noticed on his couch. He turns around and pushes it at him, and Zayn takes it with a vague frown.

"Going away present?"

"Not exactly." Liam hedges.

"Less of a present and more of a..." Niall hesitates, struggling for a word.

"More of a blessing." Harry settles on.

Zayn frowns and digs into the tissue paper until he's come up with the worn down, half-melted candle with his face pasted on it. He laughs, his first genuine laugh it what feels like months. "Christ, where did you find this?" he asks. "I thought it got left on a tour bus."

"Niall had it under his bed." Liam tells him.

"Claims to be a neat-freak, but you wouldn't believe the clutter he has under there." Louis says. Niall elbows him for it.

"Still not a scratch." Harry points out, tapping the glass affectionately. "Still has to be a little lucky, don't you think?"

Niall scuffs his shoe against the floor. "We just figured you'd need it more than we would. You never really took your share of the blessings, you know? So you've got a lot of good luck built up in that thing."

"Besides," Louis sighs. "If anyone's gonna keep a candle of your face around, it's either going to be you or Harry, and we all agreed Harry couldn't have it."

Zayn throws his arms out, getting Harry, Liam, and part of Louis back into a hug. Niall huddles in with them, and for a moment Zayn feels exactly like he did the first time they did this. Not the first time they met, of course, or even the first time they performed. But the first time they all huddled up like this, pressed into each other with excitement and promise and the feeling of _home_ all wrapped up between them.

He knows he's crying but he can't really help it. His new therapist says it's better if he just lets it happen, so he's trying his best to just let his emotions be what they are. None of the boys say anything, though Harry does start crying with him because Harry's just a sensitive bloke. He even hears a little sniffle from Liam.

"We're gonna be okay," Zayn husks out as he pulls back.

Louis raises an eyebrow and plucks a lighter out of his jeans pocket. "Let's make good on that, shall we?"

It's half a dare and half a question, but Zayn doesn't even need to think about it before he takes the lighter from him and lights the candle. He looks at each of his boys and then nods to himself. "Yeah, we're gonna be okay." he says, and then he blows the candle out.

 

**Author's Note:**

> [My tumblr!](http://thepainlessmoustache.tumblr.com/)


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